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October 2

Well, he didn't come home drunk, but he did come home with a six pack. I don't feel quite so strongly about the big D as I did before, but I wish that he could open his mind a bit. Start not to take everything anyone says as a personal attack. I've honestly never met someone so defensive in my life. I'm not sure why he's so paranoid. I mean that in the true sense of the word, as in, he thinks everyone is out to get him. Not to the point of being schizophrenic, but he takes everything so very personally. You can't tell him anything, not even your own feelings, without him getting defensive. It can be exhausting. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. You say the same thing over and over and you never get any closer to him understanding it. He refuses to even try to see anyone else's perspective. Oh my, what am I going to do?

October 1

I need an outlet. I don't want to worry my family and sometimes talking about it with my friends leaves me even more exhausted. I know there's no chance he'll ever stumble across this like he might a book at home, so this will do. We'll start with today, because there's way too much to start from the beginning. Along the way, there might be some flashbacks, or explanation if necessary, but to go to the beginning would take to long and be too tiring. So let us start with right now.Right now, I don't even know where he is. I'm assuming work, but he could be anywhere. He's probably at work drinking. That's the beauty of working at a restaurant when you are an alcoholic. It's expected, and no one thinks anything of it. Then he'll probably come home with at least a six pack, and no apology for last night. It was a small thing, really. It shouldn't have turned into a not-speaking-to-each-other-all-day day. But I am so sick of his attitude, and I don't think I can take it much more. I am seriously thinking of how everything would work out if it came to that. You know, splitting up, the D word. I used to think of it all the time, but now it actually seems real. I can see cutting my losses, seeing my once-fantastic credit rating in the toilet. It actually seems like a viable option now. I still don't want to go down that road, but it's starting to look more and more like the only way. I've worked on myself as much as I can to make myself a better spouse. I won't ever stop trying to improve, but at this point I don't think it will help the marriage. He refuses to even acknowledge a need for change on his part. Why is he so stubborn and proud? I don't think even leaving will change him. He'll just drink himself to death. I can't control him, I can't fix him, I can't heal him. He's a grown ass man and I can't even reason with him. I'm not entirely sure what made him this way. In fact, I'm not even a little sure. All I know is, I'm in a mess. It doesn't always feel that way, but it does a lot of the time. It went from being like that at least 90% of the time, down to maybe 20% when it was the best, and now we're back to at least 60% of the time I feel like I've made a huge mistake. Well, I suppose this is enough for now. It's late and the baby needs to go to sleep.